


I Still Remember

by timmy_cardiac



Category: Magnus Chase and the Gods of Asgard - Rick Riordan
Genre: Angst and Feels, Fluff, M/M, Nightmares, blitz is just great
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-03
Updated: 2017-11-03
Packaged: 2019-01-28 23:43:14
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 945
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12618224
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/timmy_cardiac/pseuds/timmy_cardiac
Summary: I saw him. I watched him die. I can't just get over something like that. it was too much; my worst nightmares coming true.





	I Still Remember

**Author's Note:**

> heyo two fics in two days! :D I'm proud of myself even if this is so crazy short. I found this and like a billion other blitzstone blabs while I was cleaning out my desk so yay for moer updates soon

I awake from my nightmares with a sharp gasp I wasn’t able to hear and sit up so fast I almost hit my head on the tanning bed roof. I was cold. So cold it hurt. But this wasn’t like a normal sensation of cold. Nothing like the numbness in my fingers and toes, which is usually present every day anyway. This cold was nothing but fear. Fear and pain coursing through my blood. 

I look down at my pale hands. They are shaking, so I clasp them together to make them stop, but instead my whole body starts trembling. I want to run, but my limbs are as useless as lead blocks. And where would I run to? This is the only place I’ve ever belonged. 

Then I feel pressure building up behind my eyes and in my throat and the first sob jolts my body, drowning me in my own world of misery. 

The images that plague my mind have been the same for days-kneeling on the floor of the wight’s tomb watching Blitzen bleed out in front of me while he holds my hands, my knees and the ends of the scarf he gave me soaking in his blood. I try to convince myself that it’s okay, that we’re safe now. But I was there. I saw him dying. My worst fears all coming true and playing out in front of me in one endless movie. And in getting him back, there was another price to be paid; my father’s sanity as well as my mother’s life. 

Can’t anything ever by simple for once? Can’t it just work out? I guess not. 

My skinny frame lurches with each sob, my chest heaving as I take great breaths. I hate this feeling, much more than I could ever explain in signs. There is no avoiding the fear. 

I never notice when the lights flicked on or when Blitzen approached me. Not until he held my hands tightly and kissed each of my fingers. 

For a moment I keep my eyes shut, because I know what look he’ll be giving me already. Soon I can’t stand it anymore, and I meet his gaze. He stares down at me as if seeing me this way was physically hurting him. Blitzen wants me to be happy. But he also wants to know why. 

Not breaking eye contact, I reach down and press my hand against his abs, where underneath his layers of clothing is a small white scar that would look innocent enough to anyone else. But we know, and we remember. We will always remember. 

He understands quickly. “It’s over now. We’re home. I’m not leaving again, okay?” He pulls me tight against him and I close my eyes and feel the gentle beating of his heart in my cheek. We stay that way for a moment longer-quiet, feeling-before there’s more I have to tell him; things he doesn't know about our trip to Alfheim. 

I pull away just enough so he can read my signing. I make sure he’s watching, then sign, My mother is dead, Blitz. I killed her, the same way I killed Andiron and Magnus. And I almost lost you too. I mess everything up. Can’t get anything right.  
I don’t watch him as I sign, so I don’t know how he takes this information until he holds my chin with steady fingers and tilts my head up so I have to look at him. When he speaks, he does it slowly. I don’t know if it’s because he wants to make sure I understand him or if he just can’t talk faster. 

“Hearthstone,” he says. “Please don’t ever say that. You did not kill anybody. You’ve done too much good to ever be a bad person. Your parents didn’t deserve someone as good as you.”

The didn’t deserve me. I’d been raised believing I didn’t deserve anything. I gave it all up after Andiron died, anyway. But Blitz is going to give me everything, whether I think I deserve it or not. Because he loves me. He loves me because I’m me, even if I don’t exactly love myself all the time. 

These are all the things he tells me, and I only pick up about half of it because I’ll lay me head on his chest and feel the rumbling of his voice there. I hold onto him tightly because if I let go I may float away, up into the sky and never come back. When I’m too tired to even bother with reading his lips, icurl up into him, and he keeps talking. I can only wonder what he’s saying. I’m not even in the tanning bed anymore, I’m kneeling on the floor with him, though I’m not sure how that happened. 

Once I’m so exhausted I can barely move, Blitz lifts me up and carries me into his room, maybe to offer me some kind of normalcy and comfort while I sleep. Maybe he doesn’t want me to be lonely. Maybe he doesn’t want to be lonely. Blitzen puts me down on the bed and wraps the two of us up together in a huge pile of down blankets. 

I turn on my side and stare into his warm dark eyes. I love him more than I thought was possible but somehow is. We don’t talk, just lay there and stare at each other until Blitz puts a hand on the back my neck and kisses me softly, and if I could I would have sang with bliss. But I had no voice to do it with. 

I think he could tell I was happy anyway.

**Author's Note:**

> OH GOSH I MADE IT ONTO THE BLITZSTONE AO3 FEED ALL MY DREAMS HAVE COME TRUE
> 
> but sadness bc this is my least favorite fanfic and I also consider it to be my worst one but hey thanks anyway peeps :D you're all beautiful people


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